The Mask of Confidence
Some time ago I had a long conversation with someone I have a professional relationship with who was leaving a business to move to a higher-level role, almost literally, down the street. Strange how that sometimes happens.
If you ever met this person, you’d instantly know she is the embodiment of the word confidence, maybe even a small degree of bravado, but never straying into a situation where ego was visible….certainly never arrogance. She had that all under control.
I would imagine you might leave a conversation with this person saying “Wow….if only I could be that way and have just a little of all that assuredness” It’s clear this person has a plan, they move smoothly and, dare I say it, almost comfortably through life, racking up “wins” on a regular basis.
Critique seemingly just bounces right off them….they smile a genuine smile, they make other people smile and laugh, and they obviously need zero affirmation. They’re energetic, passionate about their role, business and life in general. Their behavior is, in the most amazing way, contagious….it influences all those it touches. And yet………….
After we chatted I felt an overwhelming urge just to tell them pieces of all this. I wanted to acknowledge their impact, the effect they have on me and all those around them. I wanted to tell them how their confidence and assuredness has an amazing impact on everyone. I wanted to let them know they’d be missed and would do a great job at their new company.
So I said “Hey, I just want you to know I think you’ve totally got this, you so deserve this new opportunity and I know you’re going to do amazing in your new role. Seriously….I’m so happy for you….congrats, you go get ‘em!”
And, at that precise moment it’s like there’s a dramatic pause in the show. A giant red velvet curtain parts in the middle of the stage, and out walks a vulnerable, caring, sensitive individual to take the mic. This is a person that looks and sounds identical to the one I was just talking to but it can’t be them. Where is the confidence, the assuredness, bravado, energy….all of those things?
Those things are still there to be called upon, but it’s clear they also help hold in place an elaborate mask worn by this lovely, vulnerable, sensitive person. Just an ounce of affirmation, confidence and support was all that was seemingly needed to “remove” that mask and reveal sensitivity, deeply rooted care, kindness and compassion. And, some worry, concern, uncertainty and negative self-talk.
Their response…. ”it means so much to me that you said that….to be honest I sometimes feel a little lost, I strive and push, and I enjoy what I’m doing, but I don’t ever know if it’s enough. I know all too well how I come across, and I know it probably paints a certain picture. But, really, I genuinely needed to hear all that. Thank you”.
After hoisting my chin up off the table, I took a moment to reflect on what an absolutely amazing lesson I was just the recipient of.
Our “story”, the filter through which we experience life, would likely portray this person very simply as a confident, assured individual, but the reality, their reality, their truth, was a lot different.
Snap-judging someone when all we see is a veneer – how short-sighted that can be! One line, as we saw here, can burst open a door to the real person, and what’s going on underneath for them.
As I reflected on this my mind strayed from what they’d said to why they said it and, particularly, what exactly did I say?? Did I really say something so earth-shattering, so deep and triggering, so thoughtful and, dare I say, emotionally weighty?? It must’ve been absolute Gold!! I ran through it in my head…..and….well, No.
In truth, the answer for me was that I was just focusing 100% on what I felt….something that came from a good place…borne out of kindness, care and just wanting someone to know what I thought. I didn’t parse my words, I used emotive words because that’s what I truly felt. To be honest, I really just wanted to say it because it was true, not because I felt it would provoke some kind of response. I didn’t expect that, nor did I seek it.
I realized that in the split second before I opened my mouth all I thought about was which words to use to really express my feelings, not the ones that I thought they might want to hear. If I’d done that, in light of the veneer the person consistently displayed, I’d likely never have said what I did….and we both would have missed out on something pretty impactful and a great lesson. Maya Angelou, again, sprung to mind……………
